Archive for January, 2012

when josh did the sermon series on psalm 23, I had a hard time with it. I had to go a little deeper and personalize it some in order to own some of the truth he was teaching

the surface analogy of the shepherd keeping away the predators and pests, making the sheep feel safe enough to lie down and sleep, doesn’t really work for me.

going to bed at night used to be the most dangerous part of my life growing up

it would be easy to put my dad in the role of predator and say that god as my shepherd did not protect me from him. and, honestly, that about sums up my reasons for rebelling against god as a teenager

but the lie that says god does not love me is the real predator in my story. and every time my dad’s actions told me that lie, god was there to hold me and show me the truth – and so I would go to sleep again — not hungry, because his love filled me up — not afraid, because his arms were around me — not suffering because I was comforted by his tending to me

and the green pasture? the shepherd creating an environment where I can settle down and rest, surrounded by goodness?

on the surface, god allowed me to be placed in a family where I was surrounded by abuse and pain. where was my green pasture – my “good”?

I think the green pasture is not analogous to circumstance. that god working hard to ensure that I have what is best for me, is him working in my life to mold my character to be christ-like. it is him using all that was meant for evil in my life to shape my passion against injustice and my love for the oppressed. to make my heart like his

and a heart like his is worth any cost…

it is the ultimate good and the greenest of pastures


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birthdays always make me think of my mom – not the one I grew up with, but the one who gave birth to me and then gave me away

growing up, I always wondered why she gave me up, why she didn’t want me – and I figured that if she ever thought of me, surely it would be on my birthday

I always knew that adoption records were sealed and I accepted that – but one day when I was 33, I was at work and the thought came out of the blue that I should call the courthouse and see exactly what the law was – so I did and they said I just had to make an appointment and I could get my records

I went there and signed a paper in front of the judge and was handed the adoption records for Kathleen Laurie Hubbard – which confused me for a second until I realized that that was me (very much a twilight zone moment)

8 days later, I found her

her name was Kelly and she was everything I’d ever dreamed of in a mom – she loved me and had not wanted to give me up, but in 1965 the welfare dept wouldn’t help a minor unless they lived with their parents and my mom’s parents were not having any of that

since she was only 17 years older than me, I thought I would have her with me forever – we had a great 18 months together and spent one birthday together in 1999, and then she died that October while I held her hand

I know it was god that put that thought in my head at work that day – so that I would get to meet her before she died and I would finally get to know what it was like to have a mom that loved me

and I know that she’s in heaven now, and we will have so much more time together some day – but today, all I can think about is how much I miss her…

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