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Archive for December, 2011

9 weeks

it’s been 9 weeks without any pain management — no pills, no alcohol, no punching anything, etc…

9 weeks since I made the choice to trust him with my pain – that he wouldn’t allow it to be more than I could endure – and though I am still choosing to trust, it feels like more than I can handle…

every day I get bombarded by memories – the things I have done and the things that were done to me – and it all just jumbles up into a big cloud of hurt where I can’t even think, I can only cry, and it feels like if I don’t do something to numb it, my mind will shatter (which sounds really melodramatic, I know, but that’s really what it feels like)

but in these weeks, I have been learning that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean I have to act on that feeling — I can just feel it, and not do anything

and I think that’s what this is — that all the crap that I never allowed myself to feel – that I buried, that I told myself I didn’t care about, that I accepted as deserved, that I drowned in chemicals, etc — it all just has to be felt – I think this is the sad part of the healing process, the grief over it all…

and when I beg god to make it stop, he doesn’t, and it sucks and I’m miserable and it feels endless and I hate it

the last thing I want to do in the middle of this is to be around community (I’m so over being the debbie-downer all the time) but part of choosing to trust him is being obedient to him – and staying in the word, praying, and being connected to the body is a huge part of that, even when, or maybe especially when I don’t feel like doing any of those things

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