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Archive for November, 2011

today I finally stopped and looked back over the last 7 days… wow – I have a lot to learn about ministry

and what’s weird about that is that I’ve been involved with situations like this most of my life – when I was 20yrs old, I got my best friend into an alcohol/drug rehab after a year or more of her and my 2yr-old godson living with me while I worked 2 jobs and took care of us all and did crazy stuff – like throwing drug dealers up against the wall threatening to kill them if they fronted her anymore coke — and when she finally went to rehab, I was left barely able to function…

and so I sit here and take stock of the last week:

I have slept a total of 23 hours – I┬áhave eaten 6 times – I missed 12 hours of work – I showed up at an interview for a great job exhausted, in borrowed clothes, and smelling like whiskey – I did not grocery shop, clean, do laundry, or any of my own ordinary life stuff – all of my time with god was focused on todd’s stuff and not my own – and I spent way too much time agonizing and beating the crap out of myself in my head over how much I was having to involve josh and others at the ring

when this started, I had 23 days clean and sober under my belt, and only by god’s grace and the involvement of community did I manage to make it through without going off and getting drunk or using pills to take the edge off the stress

looking at all of it, I realize I still take way too much responsibility for other people’s choices — and I still have a little of that “if I die helping someone else, maybe it’ll make up for all I’ve done wrong”, martyr complex thing going on

and so there’s a lot to process and learn about all this if I am going to spend my life in ministry to others…

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