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Archive for October, 2011

choice

the undercurrent of my life the last 7 months has been the idea of choice¬† – that I have the option of choosing to heal or choosing to remain as I am — which is really the choice of life or death — and you would think it would be an easy choice to make, but it wasn’t

this line from the movie super 8 has been haunting me in the background of my mind for months, when the little boy tells the alien

  I know bad things happened to you, but you can still live

as soon as I heard it, I knew that that was what god had been telling me, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live

it’s a hard choice to make – to lay down all of my anger and hurt, to let go of my self-protection and my pain management, to stop focusing on the damage — to lay it all down before god and trust him to do what he will with it no matter how much it hurts – to trust that everything he allowed to happen in my life was the best possible scenario and it would all work towards the good

I have not trusted him with my pain for a long, long time – I felt like my heart was expendable to him, that he would allow more suffering and pain than I was able or willing to endure – I couldn’t imagine how certain things in my life could ever be called “good”

but then I imagined if a brothel owner right now, today, offered to set a child free if I would take that child’s place and spend the rest of my life in that brothel being sold 30 times a day until I died – I would do it without a second’s hesitation – knowing full well the horror of what it would be like, it would absolutely be worth it to me

and I realized that if I can imagine that, then I can imagine a scenario in which my childhood could be something I would choose for myself

and so I made my choice – I choose to believe that

heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even agony into a glory – cs lewis

and I choose to trust god with it all

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