Archive for September, 2011

the foundation

I thought this blog would be about my rescuing girls from the sex industry and helping them heal…

and then I found out you can’t rescue anyone while you’re still drowning

that though I have been out of the industry for 17 years and god has gifted me with celibacy for 16 years, I still believe a lot of the lies – about who I am and how god feels about me…

and I found I can’t skip straight to the end of the journey without taking the first foundational step of healing for myself – I can’t convince a girl she is loved unconditionally by god and can trust him with her heart if I don’t believe it/do it myself

and so this whole “journey reaching back” has become one of personal searching for his truth and his healing in my own life – to find the freedom from bondage that I want to offer to others

and it’s taking a whole lot longer than I like


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wednesday night a friend and I went to see a screening of the nefarious documentary merchant of souls – it’s a documentary on human trafficking by exodus cry – it was a really good portrayal and you should see it if you can: http://nefariousdocumentary.com/screenings/benefit-screenings/

on the way home, my friend asked me why I wanted to see it, and I thought about that most of the night while I was at work

films like this are mostly made to increase awareness, to let people know about the problem, the devastating effects, and how they can contribute to help end slavery and support recovery efforts — none of which applies to me, since I already have more than enough ‘awareness’ on the subject

so I thought a lot about why I’m drawn to these films, especially considering that some of the material rubs up on some pretty raw wounds and can trigger memories of things I’d rather forget ever happened

but any pain that comes from being reminded of the hell of sexual trafficking is overshadowed by the comfort of knowing I am not alone…

there are others who think and feel the same way as I do, been through the same type of hell, suffer the same pain in trying to heal — and so it lets me know that I’m not crazy, that it really is this hard for all of us, that the damage and the pain is real, that I’m not defective in taking so long to heal, and that it IS possible to heal even so

and also, it helps me to hear people actually speak the “unspeakable” stuff – I think not being able to speak about it feeds the shame – how can you not feel ashamed of what you can’t even speak out loud?

and though I know that its very hard on people to hear about some of the horrors of human trafficking, I think its necessary if we are ever going to do what it takes to put an end to it…

“imagine the shame you felt when you did the worst thing you ever did, then multiply it by 10 and feel that every day for years” – nefarious: merchant of souls

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