Archive for July, 2011

this is hell – trying to find something to replace the belief that I was born inherently worthless – something that doesn’t leave me only with not deserving rape by my dad at age 5, not deserving my mother’s hatred, and all that came after…

I was miserable knowing I was born worthless, but in comparison to this, it was nothing, and I wish I could ‘unknow’ my value as an image-bearer, but I can’t

and no one seems to understand that, which I don’t understand why not – would you rather be the person who spent 40 years in prison for something you did wrong or the person who spent 40 years in prison who did nothing wrong? that’s a no-brainer for me: it’s much easier to accept punishment when it’s deserved; to accept everything that was lost

before, jesus was the god who miraculously loved me even though I was a piece of shit, and anything bad that happened could be sucked up and swallowed as just desserts; and anything good he did for me was luxury I didn’t deserve that I was grateful for

now, I have a god who stood there and watched as I was literally ripped apart and did nothing to stop it even though he had the power to, even though I begged him to

and I could accept even that, because I understand the whole not wanting robots and the free will thing…

only when god finally did use his power to intervene directly, it was to stop me from dying in a fire when I was 9 years old – which would have sent me straight to heaven, ended my torment, and saved me from ever becoming the piece of shit whore I believed I was – I would never have been sold, I would never have sold myself, I wouldn’t have the hundreds of memories of the perverted things men did to me, and the shame of the things I did

and so it’s as if he willed everything that happened after that fire

and yet, I cannot ‘unbelieve’ that god is holy and good, and that he is love – but trying to put it all together is tearing me apart

if I could go back to the moment before taylor and josh got me to understand I wasn’t born a piece of shit, I would run and never have that conversation with them and go to my grave believing I was worthless…

that hell would be easier than this one


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