Archive for June, 2011


one of my biggest pet peeves is people who talk about their journey without talking about the hard parts – the mess and the despair and the doubt, etc…

its the reason I return here when nothing is resolved…because I dont want to be one of those people – but i understand the temptation, the wanting to be seen as having it all together

but it never helps me very much to be around the “people who have it all together” – it just makes me feel inferior – and I never want to make anyone else feel that

and I definitely do NOT have it all together…

lately, this whole process feels like god is trying to push me off a cliff — and I can’t see how far the fall is – could be 3 feet, could be 103 feet — and I don’t know what’s down there – could be a pile of pillows, could be a pit of sharpened sticks

(most of the time my mind goes with the 103 feet, sharpened sticks option)

but the not knowing is what makes me panic — I have no control over this process – of where it’s going, of what I will feel, who I will be, what it will look like, how others will see me – it’s all unknown, no blueprint, no plan, I can’t even know what I will do next

and, yeah, I know god has a plan – I just don’t know how much pain is involved in it – and when I can’t see the pain coming, I can’t steel myself against it, I actually have to feel it all, and I don’t like that – I like to know what’s coming, to have that second to prepare, to take a breath and disconnect a little, and have some distance from the pain — something my childhood made me very good at doing

and so in panic, I knee-jerk grasp at things when he shoves me closer to the edge, though I’m trying not to – I know I need to trust that no matter how long the drop is, he will catch me and it will be for my good – I know that I’m safer in his control than my own – and I know that if he wants me over this cliff, it’s going to happen and it’d be easier if i would just trust and let go

…I’m just not that brave sometimes


Read Full Post »