Archive for May, 2011


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the red pill

I learned a basic truth of christian theology three weeks ago – and you would think it would have made me happy, but I lost my temper instead

partly because as far as I was concerned, no one had ever told it to me before – but more than that, it destroyed my “reality”

because in the instant I really “got it”, I knew that for this one thing to be true, then this other thing I have believed all my life could not also be true – and that is the belief that has been the foundation, the anchor for everything else in my life – my behavior, other people’s behavior, events, circumstances, everything

which means that the house I have built on that foundation has to come down, and I am panicking

what I learned was that being an image-bearer, being created in his image, means that following jesus and becoming more christ-like is becoming myself – the person god created me to be – without the fall and all the sin in my life – that that is who I really am and that I am not inherently worthless

which is a wonderful thing, sure, except for the fact that my entire understanding of my life has been built upon my inherent worthlessness — which was extremely painful, yes, but which made everything make sense to me, in a way that allowed me to accept all the bad stuff as my “just desserts”

now I have nothing to make sense of it all, and the panic is kicking up my ptsd more than a few notches, and I’ve spent the last couple weeks scrambling to find a loophole so that both could be true, but I can’t…

and honestly, I kind of wish I’d swallowed the blue pill instead…

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“you can’t ask christ to come into your wound while you remain far from it. You have to go there with him.” — john eldredge

this is what I don’t know if I can do – go into the wounds I have run from, buried, ignored, anesthetized, and denied for decades – to let jesus reopen the scars and heal the wounds from the inside out

and while intellectually I know the only way out is through it, and the peace and joy I crave waits on the other side, it doesn’t feel like that – it feels like a bottomless well of excruciating pain that will destroy me

and that terrifies me

but I’m trying to get there…and while I’d like to claim I’m trying again because I want it enough or I’m brave enough, it’s really just because the running, burying, ignoring, anesthetizing, and denying isn’t working anymore, and there is no hope of peace without him

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