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Archive for December, 2010

christmas

last night, on christmas eve, the brpd arrested 9 prostitutes in a sting…and wafb published their names and ages in an article

seriously – is it not horrible enough that these women were spending christmas eve working the street? we had to throw them in jail for christmas?

there were no pimps arrested – no johns, who create the sex industry by their demand for it

on the eve of celebrating christ’s birth – his coming to rescue the oppressed and set free the captives – we heap more suffering upon them…

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feeling

I can’t remember at what age I learned to shut my feelings down, to ‘disassociate’ as psychology names it – but I know it was before the age of four, because that’s the earliest beating I remember and while it was going on, I had my hand on the floor thinking about how cold it was – I had obviously already learned to ‘go somewhere else’ in my mind and not be present to what was happening…

over the years, I developed a lot of coping skills designed solely to not feel anything, and as a last resort if the feelings just couldn’t be contained, I turned it into anger…happy or angry were the only feelings that were at all safe

now as all of the lies and walls are crumbling, I seem to have lost that ability to turn off, and I feel like an endless pit of emotions – I cry at the stupidest things, my heart aches at every turn, and worst of all is all the shame I feel – I walk around with the heat of humiliation in my face at the things I have done, the lies I believed, the people I hurt, the god I grieved

and I’m trying to believe that my life – ALL of it – has been redeemed, but I don’t – I believe it is forgiven, that I no longer face punishment for it, but I don’t believe it is redeemed…and so the one feeling I want to feel – clean – is the one I never get to feel

everyone tells me it has all been redeemed, and I want to believe it – I want it to be true – I want to be able to stand and worship god with a clean heart…

but all I can do is keep going to him with it, reading his word, staying in community, etc…

and praying that he will change my heart

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heartbreak…

there have been several things in the last month that broke my heart…

– on november outreach to clubs and streets the clubs were packed much more than usual, and the atmosphere and demeanor of the girls just seemed a lot more desparate to me – maybe because of the holidays, or maybe just because my own stuff is so close to the surface

– on street outreach at a regular stop where there are always 3 or 4 transvestites, we did our usual visit, but as we drove away, I looked back and saw one young man on the backside of the building just standing up from a trick and pulling up his thong…his face broke my heart – I know that feeling – its dead – because having just allowed yourself to be used as a piece of meat by another human being, to feel anything other than dead would destroy you…

– the friday night before thanksgiving there was a pastor on the six o’clock news demanding that the police do something about the prostitutes that work the road in front of his church…that his “christianity” had fallen so far that he didn’t even realize how wrong that is was so sad…and it depresses me that the church can still be so condemning

– we went out on truck stops again and had no luck finding any girls

– there was a sting by brpd last week in the plank rd area in which they arrested 19 prostitutes…and I know some of them were probably ones we had reached out to…which will they remember? that we told them they were loved? or that society told them they were worthless?

…sometimes the scope of the problem just makes it seem insurmountable…

and I just have to keep showing up – because I do believe that jesus christ has the power to change any human life – and that is the hope that I cling to while my heart breaks for how broken everything and everyone in this world is…

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