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Archive for November, 2010

I realized today that a huge part of how much pain I feel in this process is the confusion of believing two opposite things at once…

I always thought that upon learning a certain thing was true, I would in that moment, no longer believe the former lie – that the truth would just replace it — but I have not found that to be the case…

for example, I have come to believe that it is truth that god the father is not angry with me, and yet, when something goes wrong, I believe that he is – and I know he is not

I know now that the prosperity gospel is a lie – that the father does not love a prostitute less than a virgin girl raised in a loving home – that I cannot measure his love for me by my circumstances – and yet, when I hear the prosperity gospel behind the comments of fortunate people, I feel the shame of it being true, while I know it is a lie…

I know there is no formula to control god – no dance I can do to make him bless me – no way to earn his grace – and yet, when I cry out to him and do not feel his presence, I feel he is witholding it because I failed to earn it somehow…

I see the truth that jesus and the father are one – that their love for me is the same – that it was the father who sent jesus to save me out of his love – and yet, when I fall I still feel like jesus is my older brother, protecting me from an angry father who would destroy me…

…I could go on and on with this, but you get the point I hope

the confusion alone is enough to make me feel like I cannot go on – that I cannot bear this much pain – and yet, when I cried out to him today I did feel his presence and he did answer me…

“you will not always be torn”

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rage…

at the end of october, I hit the “anger stage” in the healing process – webster’s definition of rage says,
“1. angry fury; violent anger. 2. a fit of violent anger.”

…that doesn’t do it justice

I had been taught my whole life that in order to belong, to have love, to have anything, to have any value, to matter at all, that I had to allow whatever the other person wanted — that I had no rights to my own body; no say in who did what to me

and I never realized how deeply that was ingrained in me, how much I still operated out of that belief even now – and when I finally did see it, all I felt was a blinding hot rage – as in, I wanted/needed to kill every person who ever put their hands on me – and if anyone ever even touched me again, I’d kill them too

I wanted to take a baseball bat and destroy everything around me – destroy my life

there was so much anger pushing to get out that it scared me – and, yeah, I didn’t handle it well – I made one small attempt to handle it in a healthy way, but at the first glitch I fell back to my default – I went out and got obliterated on whiskey and pills

…and called our pastor at 12:30am, apparently talking v e r y s l o w l y (according to him)

I spent the all day sunday in bed, doing what my friend emailed me to do, praying in jesus’ name that the spirit would sever any ties to the men I had been with – and it did help…I wasn’t blinded by rage, but I was still angry and still felt like if anyone touched me I’d knock them out

…and with all that going on, I felt a strong need to go to church that night – which I didn’t understand at all, given that I was sure I’d cold-cock the first person to hug me…

but josh came up with a plan to “establish a perimeter” (his attempt at military speak), and he, taylor, and matt became my guards for the night – they met me at my car and walked in with me, deflecting the hugs, and taylor and matt stood in the back with me the whole service, discretely keeping everyone away from me

and by the end, I wasn’t angry anymore – I was fighting back bawling, because for the first time in my life, I really felt like the daughter of the king – valued and protected in the way I value and protect my own daughter – which I guess is why god put it on my heart to go that night

he also took care of most of my anger at work that week – things usually run pretty smooth, but that week, our shift couldn’t get the strands to run right for anything – we fought and cursed and threw stuff and I got my anger out with no one knowing it wasn’t really about the strands – and yeah, it still confuses me when I see god’s hand in taking care of me :/

…so I’m still a little angry at times, but not in a rage anymore – but I still don’t want anyone touching me – and the guilt I feel when a ringer wants to hug me or shake my hand and I say no, tells me I really NEED to say no – that I’m still connecting love and acceptance to allowing what others want over what I want or don’t want, believing that I have to pretend to be “ok” so that they’ll feel better

I need to disconnect those things and know that I can belong and be loved without sacrificing myself – and maybe someday I can get to where it doesn’t confuse me when god loves on me – where I feel that value as his daughter all the time…

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