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Archive for September, 2010

someone…

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7 Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers,  of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. — 2 Cor 1:3-11

I want someone who has had a life like mine – who is further along in her faith – someone god has healed – who has been through the pain of that healing and come out the other side…

and who will tell me it’s worth it to go through it – and what helped her – and what didn’t – someone who will tell me it’s actually possible to be at peace with the memories

I have a lot of people in my life who love me and are much further along in their walk with christ – and they help me a lot – but their struggles have not been mine – they aren’t haunted by hundreds of memories of depravity and violence – they don’t have a huge void where their childhood should have been – they don’t know what it’s like to listen to people talk about normal, everyday stuff and feel the sharp hurt of what they never got to have

I want someone who lived in the same hell I did, who now lives in the kingdom and rejoices in all of it…

and yet, even more than I want that someone for myself, I want to be that someone for another girl — and I know I cannot be that unless I keep pushing through this  – because I’m just not going to sell a girl what I’m not buying

maybe it is the lack of it that drives me forward and maybe that’s why god has not given that someone to me

so even though trusting someone named “Father” feels like emotional suicide to me, I’m taking that leap and trusting that he will carry me

3 Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all the remnant of the house of Israel,
who have been borne by me from before your birth,
carried from the womb;
4 even to your old age I am he,
and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made, and I will bear;
I will carry and will save. – Isa 46:3,4
 

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love…

learn the steps to the dance of love
though there is no one to show them to you
learn the way through the minefield
with no map to guide you through

if you stray outside the path
the pain will let you know
figure a way through the maze
and maybe his love will show

he shatters your heart but you trust him again
because he’s all you know of right
never speak of the horror he brings
in the middle of the night

watch and learn what pleases him
what brings the monster out
by trial and error, pain and pleasure
he shows you what love is about

only what he needs matters
but do it right and he might be kind
until the simple absence of pain
becomes what love is in your mind

sacrifice your body to him
give up dreams of anything more
then he will be your father
and you will be branded his whore

how can you face it was all a lie
be expected to trust another’s love
how can you trust you won’t be betrayed
by the Father up above

what do you do with the pain of the truth
how do you trust His call
that not only is pain not the price of love
but love has no price at all

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