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Archive for June, 2010

did I say, ‘slow’?

because of my recent knee surgery, I stayed on the bus during the outreach last friday night

I did a lot of praying on the bus, and I was surprisingly ok with not being able to participate physically (yet more evidence of his work in me)

the club outreach went really well, and we found a lot more girls on streets than last time

as I was praying, the need for a safe place for girls escaping the sex industry kept coming to my mind… a place to be able to live, heal, and learn… to discover how much he loves them and how valuable they are to him

all night friday and all day saturday I couldn’t get it out of my heart – feeling that he wants me to open a home for them – my first reaction was, ‘whoa, slow down god’ (which I’m pretty sure he got a good laugh over – sometimes I think he really enjoys messing with me)

honestly though, I got really scared – as in, hysterically frightened and wanting to bawl (shocking, yes, I know)

I have no resources right now – my finances are crap, my house needs a ton of work, I can’t find a job that even allows me to break even on the bills, and I’ve got a kid going to college in two years – I know nothing about non-profit organization or fundraising or ‘running’ anything – it makes absolutely no sense for me to be thinking about doing this; which, ironically, is the only reason I can believe it’s his idea and not mine – if it happens, it will definitely be all him and not me

and so, I met with natalie, the leader of the outreach ministries and told her my thoughts and feelings, and also discussed a joint fundraiser between traffickingHope and abolishSlavery – leslie has been talking to aaron cohen about doing one here and we have been kicking around maybe doing an art show, since we know so many artists in the area with great hearts – and at the end of our discussion, natalie asked me to pray about heading up a truck stop outreach…

this is what I get for saying things were not moving fast enough for me 😉

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slow down gunpowder…

that’s what my brother, greg, used to tell me when I would get all hyper and revved up about anything…

I’ve been pretty successful at laying back and letting god set the pace in all this, and just like everything else in my life right now, its moving along slowly

while its not as fast as I would like it to be, it does feel right somehow – I think a part of my always wanting to go 90 to nothing in pursuing anything is my self-destructive/martyr tendency – as in if I burn out, crash, “die for the cause”, etc, somehow that will atone for all I’ve done wrong…

It’s hard to swallow that maybe he wants me to “live for the cause” instead – and even harder to accept that he is taking good care of me along the way

one of the books I’m reading right now is Searching for God Knows What by donald miller… in it, he says,

“I get this feeling sometimes that after the world ends, when god destroys all our buildings and our flags, we will wish we had seen everybody as equal, that we had eaten dinner with prostitutes, held them in our arms, opened up spare rooms for them and loved them and learned from them.”

it made me cry when I read it – because that is what the ring community has done for me – and while I’m afraid sometimes that their love for me will disappear, it just seems to keep growing

I’m going out on outreach again tonight, and that’s what I want for all of the ladies we will meet…that they will feel his love the way that I have

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